Category Archives: Relationships

Relationships: Understanding how humans relate to each other

Satisfaction vs Fun

Satisfaction vs. Fun

A physiological difference of sorts

When talking about motivation and the rewards of motivation, I think it falls in one of two categories: satisfaction and fun. They sound similar, but are not the same. Satisfaction can be defined as contentment; which is a state of being at ease in one’s situation – physiologically, there are not major changes in the immune system when one is exeriencing a ‘satisfying’ moment. However ‘fun’ produces an adrenaline rush that causes blood to flow all throughout the body and excites our senses. With ‘fun’ there is a stage of intense stimulation followed by an exhaustion period. To highlight the difference, I have created the following examples:

Satisfaction

Gardening

– dealing with the allergies, weeds, animals eating your flowers and vegetables is not a pleasurable experience, but I can see that the end result of the hard work of gardening can be rewarding

Home Renovations

– besides the fact that you may suffer some injuries or may staple some part of your appendages to a wall, the reward of doing your own home renovations is the increased value of your property and the feelings of accomplishment and success

Cooking

– there is a fine art to cooking; the boiling, the seasoning, steaming of a dish can be very theraupetic after a stressful day – and the reception of compliments and accolades of a meal well prepared can be very fulfilling (pun intended)

Kids

– the thousands of dollars they cost, the stress and anxiety, the endless cleaning up after their mess isn’t that much ‘fun’, but kids do bring out a rewarding factor to parents; as parents can witness the growth and evolution of their offspring right in front of their eyes.

Working Out

– the changing of your clothes, dealing with people who think its cool to walk around nude in changerooms, and the sweat and intensity involved doesn’t make working out at the gym fun, but the improved immune system functioning (cardiovascular, lower blood pressure/cholesteorel), weight loss, and muscle growth make it all rewarding.


Fun

 

Sports

– the rush of hitting the jump shot, tackling the running back, or beating a defender provides an adrenaline rush that not much other experiences can provide.

Gentleman’s clubs

– self-explanatory, I guess if one can’t understand this, then the ‘hands-on’ approach is necessary (pun intended – in some states and provinces only)

Romance

– See last explanation
Shopping (for women)

– beats me!!! I have no rational explanation

.:: LiBM ::.

Mr. Nice Guy S.E.T.

Favor for a Favor

The Social Exchange Theory of Humanity

It is refreshing to see Bill and Melinda Gates giving millions of dollars to education and anti-poverty programs across the world, of course, Bill Gates is a billionaire after founding the Microsoft corporation in the 80’s, and is now focusing much of his attention to philanthropy causes. In a sense, one can say that Bill is being very altruistic as he is helping others without any concern for himself; or how he may profit off of his good deeds and actions. Not many people are altruistic – as many people may help, but they want something in return; whether it is recognition, accolades, or a future reward. With this definition, corporations that give back to communities/charities do so with motivations that focus on future rewards from government and businesses. Instinctively, humans operate on a Social Exchange Theory, which is to say that all human relationships are formed by the use of a subjective cost-benefit analysis and the comparison of alternatives, it is a process of negotiated exchanges between parties. What motivates one to do something for others is really what they expect to benefit from the process.

Some take pleasure in simply helping others


Designed by Carts

Some help others to appease others and to avoid a future threat


Designed by Stamatisgr

Some help others to increase their status to others


Designed by Phenix Land

Some help others to elicit a similar/greater favor from such individual in the future


Designed by Brown One

So based on these premises, I can’t understand how women time and time again will say “Oh, he is just a nice guy”, “he does that for me all the time”, “oh no, he doesn’t want anything in return”. I laugh at these women; as they are either really stupid, really clever, or lie somewhere in the abyss (in the middle). Don’t get me wrong, in any relationship (friendship, love, familial) there has to exist some cost/benefit exchange for the relationship to flourish; and both parties must feel that the exchanges and rewards are mutual/similar in intensity – or one party will feel ‘slighted’, and will develop the thought that they are being ‘used’. That’s why (regrettingly) we men must go to the girly type activities with our girlfriends; just as they must put up with our sports watching, athletic building, video game playing habits.

So just remember that the Social Exchange Theory really governs and regulates our behaviors and actions towards others. Since I don’t think that much of the people in the 15-34 demographic have much altruistic attitudes …

.:: LiBM ::.

Bring me to the moment

Designed by CompleJo

Bring me THERE!

The art of storytelling …

Storytelling is the conveying of events in words, images, and sounds often by improvisation or embellishment. Stories or narratives have been shared in every culture and in every land as a means of entertainment, education, preservation of culture and in order to instill moral values. Crucial elements of stories and storytelling include plot and characters, as well as the narrative point of view. Whether it is conversating with friends, meeting new people, or performing in front of crowds – the ability to tell a story is crucial in engaging people. The storyteller must be able to literally bring the audience to their childhood when they got beaten from their parents, or bring the audience to their night of first love, or the day when tragedy struck – storytellers must be able to paint all the conditions so that the audience sees the same picture. The ‘brushes’ one can use varies and there are several techniques from OldFashionedLiving.com that are relevant today more than ever:

1. Paint images with your words by describing things using words related to the five senses. “The day that my grandmother died the world looked like a barren place to me. Everything looked brown and vacant.”

2. Use concrete words from the physical world when speaking, even when talking about invisible things. For example, an audience would be more touched by the very real image of ‘crying’ than the more abstract words ‘mourn’ or ‘grieve.’ “I cried on and off for several months after my grandfather passed away’ versus, “I mourned and grieved for four months when my grandfather passed away.”

3. Create suspense by starting out with a provocative sentence or a provocative question. Finish up by delivering the resolution to your original provocative question. For instance, “Do you know what the one thing is that all women hate? Years ago, I met a female police officer who… And that’s how I learned that the one thing that all women hate is….”

4. Use words that ‘sing.’ This would include words that inspire, words that imitate a sound, words that paint a beautiful picture, etc. Become an investigator on the prowl to find more words that have this kind of effect. Examples: sanctuary, crescendo, seaside, etc.

5. Tell stories when extra emphasis is needed. Your listeners will remember the story long after they remember anything else that you may have shared.

6. Use scenes from movies to drive home a point that you are trying to make. For example, you could say, “When she found out how much credit card debt I am in, I felt like the Wizard of Oz when they pulled back the curtain and revealed the little old man.”

7. Take note of which anecdotes have a powerful impact on others. Reuse these anecdotes whenever possible. This type of anecdote will either move an audience to tears or move listeners enough to make them talk about the anecdote later on with you. Why keep a valuable tool in a drawer?

8. Limit the use of personal anecdotes when making a public presentation. If you use more than three or four stories about your own life, your listeners may feel that you are taking more (their time, attention, etc.) from them than you are giving to them.

9. Tell stories about the cute things that your children and animals have done recently. These anecdotes will brighten up your listeners’ day and warm their hearts!

10. Practice your storytelling skills on a daily basis. People will feel nurtured, entertained, and supported by your effort to become a good storyteller.

Overall, the great storytellers are able to give the audience a relatable experience, inasmuch so that the audience lives, briefly however, vicariously through your words – so that they (the audience member) can continue the oral tradition …

.:: LiBM ::.

tan(008) – Medicine Toast with the Green

Hyrbrid Parking, burning toasters, self-realization

Sorry to go on a tangent but …. and I don’t spot the danger in the pic above

Green Parking Spaces

There are some grocery stores that have taken upon themselves to push the idea that certain parking spots will be reserved for ‘green cars’; specifically hybrid vehicles such as the Toyota Prius. I guess this kind of hurts as I recently had a Toyota Prius, lost it in an accident, but now I have a Diesel vehicle – which is not a hybrid, but burns the diesel fuel cleanly. My gripe with this policy may be biased; especially since I did not have a chance to utilize the ‘luxury’ of a shorter walk to the grocery stores. I wonder what would happened if anyone parked a non-hybrid vehicle in those spots – what is the worse that could happen? Its not like these spots hold the same weight as disabled parking spots – as you can actually get a real, expensive ticket for illegally parking there. I will test out the theory.

 

Toasters

I’m not a really big fan of toasters and/or toast foods, but when I do use a toaster, I feel I encounter the same problem repeatedly – I always end up burning my fingers trying to grab out the bread OR I have to use a knife to pull the bread out of the toaster. Can’t they design the toaster in a way where we won’t have to dig too deep to try to pull out the bread? Or make some adjustable handles so that the sides of the toaster can easily open up? Its asinine that I have almost burned my hand three times in the past week just for trying to pull out some bread, SMH.

 

Good Medicine

First, sorry for the bad picture.  But anyways, I love it when people reach a state of realization of something that they complained about you, but they themselves are now exhibiting that same behavior that made them so mad and vocal (i.e. like when your girl hates on you for being sarcastic, but yet she does the same thing). They get real quiet, like the opposite of a barbershop, like what happens when a minority steps into a room and is the minority – a heightened sense of self-awareness. All that you complained about, griped, moaned, about someone’s behavior is not so foreign anymore – it now feels like a natural reaction to natural events. Any lack of comprehension is now clarified like a crisp clear day – and it only took a dip in the ocean to understand, as the best medicine to understand something probably needs experience. Rhetoric is nothing and I guess can not be fully understood by most without some practical experience. I am sure we have all been in this experience as either the recipient of the realization or the viewer – either way, its not good to ‘revel’ in the feeling, but keep it as a wild card, to pull out when that same individual wants to return to primitive ways.

.:: LiBM ::.

Increasing Probability


Image by snoppy

Increasing Probability

Changing the variables to produce a better result for the Black Family

As a society; parents, children, brothers & sisters, the best we can do is increase the probability of success. There is not an absolute definitive formula that if practiced, will guarantee that a child will grow up ‘successfully’; there is a combination of social and economic factors that can lead the best of children to a life of violence and/or drugs. Thus, we can only try to increase the probabilities of a positive result by trying to control the variables. Especially in the Black community, it is very important that we try to control these variables as too many of our youth slip through the cracks.

Spending time with your kids and doing family activities
Sounds pretty basic, and it is – just doing communal activities such as watching TV together, grocery shopping, cooking, walking, can yield positive effects on youth. In today’s climate, we are all busy – some working multiple jobs to get by, but even just making a phone call to see what is going on with your kids can foster a relationship of warmth and dialogue; and the more dialogue that you have with your children, the better chances are that they will come to you for guidance when something is troubling them in their lives. As the parent, you must be an authoritative figure, but you must not always exercise your title with an iron fist – yelling/screaming will not develop a relationship of open dialogue; as the child will most likely not be willing to discuss their problems with you. Parents must be open to dialogue and discourse or face a child that is unwilling to share and open up.

Positive reinforcement
Positive reinforcement is an increase in the future frequency of a behavior due to the addition of a stimulus immediately following a response. Giving (or adding) food to a dog contingent on its sitting is an example of positive reinforcement. Essentially this means ‘reward youth’, when they do good, it may be best to show a tangible appreciation (if possible, like a gift or item), or at least an intangible appreciation such as accolades and praise. The common argument I heard growing up for when I do good is ‘well, that is what you should be doing’, which has some merits, but rewarding youth for their performance is a preparation for the real work world – where bonuses are giving to those that perform well. As with the real work world, once a person receives a bonus, they will try hard to maintain their behavior that led them to that award; thus, promising your kids a specific video game or outing for their performance may be advantageous – and if they fail to meet the achieved requirement, still supplement them with something that is appropriate, because you do not want them to feel resentment towards you.

Avoiding Displacement
As with everything, from time to time we may have problems with our significant others, work, school, or just the mundane annoyances of life, but that doesn’t mean that we have to displace our frustrations to our children. Displacement operates in the mind unconsciously, and involves emotions, ideas, or wishes being transferred from their original object to a more acceptable substitute. It is most often used to allay anxiety. That safe ‘acceptable substitute’ is usually our children, as they become the recipient for our frustrations.

 

When reading the statistics on the black family, the numbers are alarming and troubling – as a whole, we all need to be better educated on familial relationships techniques and inner dynamics. Being aware of such will hopefully lead to better independent and familial functioning for both the child and the parent. Now for some of the rough statistics, ‘rough’ as in ‘bad’:

The net worth of a black fmaily in America is $5988 versus a white family of $88651

9 million Blacks in the U.S. are in poverty.

U.S. Black women outnumbered Black males in every decade of the Twentieth Century.

White Males with a high-school diploma are just as likely to have a job and tend to earn just as much as black males with college degrees

Approximately 60% of children in public kinship care are African American.

45% of Black Children live below the poverty line, compared with 16% of White children

Although African American youth account for 15% of the U.S.
population, they account for 26% of juvenile arrests, 31% of delinquency referrals to juvenile court, 44% of juveniles detained in delinquency cases, 40% in residual placements, 46% of juveniles transferred to adult criminal court, and 58% admitted to state prisons.

African American students account for 14.8% of the general population for the 6 through 21 age group, compared with 20.2% of the special education population in all disabilities. 18.3% are diagnosed with a specific learning disability, 34.3% are diagnosed with mental retardation and 26.4% are diagnosed as being emotionally disturbed.

Although African American youth account for only 15% of the
juvenile population, more African American juveniles than white
juveniles were murdered between 1988 and 1995.

Source: http://www.blackangelnetwork.org/?q=stats

Knowledge is power …
.:: LiBM ::.

tan(003) – Hypocritical Banking Hours during Family Time

The Broken Black Family, Open the banks late, and girly Hypocrisy

Banking Hours
On a trip to NYC in early ’09, I noticed something so amazing and logical – Banking Hours should be complimentary to our working hours. The normal working hours are 9-5 Monday thru Fridays; most banks close at like 4 or 5, or they may open late on a Thursday or Friday to 6 or 8. I have to give TD Canada Trust some credit for having most of their banks open until 8 Monday thru Fridays, and Saturday open till like 3 or 4. But back to the point of this rant, in NYC, they have banks open 7 days a week; apparently and coincidentally, TD Waterhouse is holding it down out there with banks open until late and open on both days of the weekend. And it makes sense, get customers in when they have the most time; if there is a specific transaction that has to be done on a weekday, process as much as you can on the weekend, then finalize it on Monday morning. BMO, RBC, CIBC – get with the program!

Family Time
Sitting in a City Park over the weekend with the girlfriend, and something good and sad at the same time became apparent. The good: there is still a strong sense that when the weather is nice families like to go to the park and bond with each other; whether it is a BBQ, volleyball, or just a walk in the park. The bad: we didn’t see much black families partaking in this; there was an abundance of white, Asian, and Indian families all spending time with each other in an urban city park. Now maybe, I am reading a bit too much into it; and I have a tendency to find correlations between unseemingly unrelated things, but I think that the lack of representation can be likened to the bigger problem of the state of the Black Family. It is known that the Black Family is in a state of repair; trying to mend the cloth that was ripped by slavery as slave masters deliberately broke up members of Black family to demoralize their spirit. And ever since then, the black family, in comparison to other races, do not have the same strong bond as others. The one good thing about Tyler Perry films is that it emphasizes the importance of family – guess they are good for something, lol.

Hypocrisy
Its always a satisfying moment when you catch your girlfriend in her own hypocritical ish. Ahh, its refreshing and invigorating. And when they get caught in it, they get quite like a mouse, and try to make up some rubbish excuse that is unique to their current situation. However, you should be subtle and not take it overboard in your tangent/rip into their hypocrisy, rather take the ‘You-know-that-I-know-that-you-have-just-been-caught-in-your-own-ish’ approach, and save the card for a rainy to day to credit when you trip up!

.:: LiBM ::.

Uncanny Flashbulb memories

Uncanny Flashbulb memories

A flashbulb memory is a memory created in great detail during a personally significant event, often a shocking event of national or international importance. These memories are perceived to have a “photographic” quality. The term was coined by Brown and Kulik, who found highly emotional memories (e.g. hearing bad news) were often vividly recalled, even some time after the event.

Now of course we all can recall where we were when our loved one’s died, birth of our children, Princess Di dying, Sept 11, 2001 Terrorists attacks; pretty much any monumental event throughout history – we have an uncanny ability to recall exactly what we were doing when we learned of such information. The memory is usually very clear and precise, which makes me wonder/wish why I can’t recall other things that were pivotal in my development. I am sure you all can relate that you wish you could recall things more clearly because it would either help your current situation at the extreme, and at the minimal, it would put a smile on your face – either or, it would give you more understanding.

So here are what we probably all wish were flashbulb memories:

The first time we got our mack on

The first time we realized someone was flirting with us

First time we realized that we can tell when someone is talking B.S.

Too bad we can’t create our own original flashbulb memories …

.:: LiBM ::.

Increments in Time

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Increments in Time

Another one of my rants on ‘time’

I am sure if we all could better manage our time, we would be more productive individuals in all facets in our lives. But this fine art is hard to grasp by many; even I have trouble sometimes (shocking). I can’t tell the many of times were I had a schedule with someone and they were late – not by like 5 minutes, but by like 15 minutes to an hour. At first thought, I thought that the type of people that I am dealing with (i.e. Music artists, entertainers) they did this to be ‘fashionably late’ – yes there are some people like that, and to those, I would like to give them a ‘fashionable kick’ in the head, but violence is frowned upon, generally. But then, I noticed that many people that I encounter that were not in the entertainment field, were just as tardy; poor punctuation. So rather than classifying such people as narcissistic pricks, maybe they just interpret the perception of time differently than I. Perfect segue to how we ‘perceive time’.

Time can be defined as a component of the measuring system used to sequence events, to compare the durations of events and the intervals between them, and to quantify the motions of objects. Different individuals may judge an identical length of time to be passing at different rates. Commonly, this is referred to as time seeming to “fly” (a period of time seeming to pass faster than possible) or time seeming to “drag” (a period of time seeming to pass slower than possible). The psychologist Jean Piaget called this form of time perception “lived time”.

I would go a step further and suggest that time feels like its ‘dragging’ when the mind is not stimulated; i.e., your at a boring job at work, and the day just seems to drag on – you keep wishing that it would end as fast as possible, or a fire alarm would be pulled. When the mind goes into ‘routine mode’, the area of the brain that handles processing and thinking shuts off, and one becomes dormant. However in contrast, in a highly stimulating job that forces one to always process different trains of thoughts, time would ‘fly by’. As I always try to compare things to the Yuppy, when the Yuppy essentially finds it hard to turn off the ‘switch’; even in relaxed modes, the Yuppy gets agitated; as he/she conjures up ways to increase and improve their efficiency in their projects – that is why, with most Yuppy’s, life seems to fly by. Yuppy’s always complain that they can’t get things done; wishing they could add more hours in the day, or they try to extend the day by using energy supplements. Either way, time is a universal standard of measurement, but the perception of the value of time (and how we use time) is susceptible to individual interpretation … which explains why people are so out of sync with each other.

And sadly, until we all perceive time similarly, I will continue to wait for clients …

Presenteeism pt. 2

Presenteeism pt. 2

The Lawyers, Retail, and Chicken-esque ticket writers

This is part 2, check out the first installment below in ‘related posts’, I will be brief, there are a lot of jobs, positions, where people are present, but not really their, and I thought of some more …

Retail Sales
I am sure that any retail associate can vouch for this, but you all don’t really do much work. For the most part, you stand around while potential customers come into your store, and if you are able to muster the energy, you will ask them for help, but usually you won’t. I can’t tell you the countless times that I have walked into a store and have not been acknowledged or greeted – I don’t necessarily think it’s a racial thing, I think on general, most people are just a-holes and view the customer generally as an inconvenience that they gotta help. However, I am hearing with the recession, every retail store from the little guy to the nationwide chains are being more friendlier and improving on their customer service skills because they know that their job/store may get the axe.

Lawyers
Ok, lawyers do work when they gotta read over case studies, and files, and stuff. However, where it is very sweet for a lawyer, is that in some instances they get paid for just being present and not really saying much; divorce hearings, corporate signings, et cetera. Lawyers are paid a ridiculous amount of money just for their ‘perceived retention of knowledge’ when it comes to the law – nice gig.

Parking Enforcement Officers
These are the guys that were not quite good enough to make it as a real police officer, so these guys spend their days messing up your day. They sit, talk on cell phones while driving, text, and wait 3 hours – just so they can give you that $40 ticket. Because of these guys, I always have to look at the clock, because if your even

.:: LiBM ::.

Classic Introverts

Classic Introverts

Bliss in solitary?

Does this sound like you? According to WikiP, this is a definition of an ‘Introvert’:

Introversion is “the state of or tendency toward being wholly or predominantly concerned with and interested in one’s own mental life”. Introverts tend to be more reserved and less assertive in social situations. They often take pleasure in solitary activities such as reading, writing, drawing, and using computers. The archetypal artist, writer, sculptor, composer, and inventor are all highly introverted. An introvert is likely to enjoy time spent alone and find less reward in time spent with large groups of people, though they tend to enjoy interactions with close friends. They prefer to concentrate on a single activity at a time and like to observe situations before they participate. Introverts are easily overwhelmed by too much stimulation from social gatherings and engagement. They are more analytical before speaking.

Introversion is not the same as shyness. Introverts choose solitary over social activities by preference, whereas shy people avoid social encounters out of fear.

Here is a list of some popular Introverts that you wouldn’t think were such:

Non-Entertainment
Thomas Edison, inventor
Sir Alfred Hitchcock, film director
Abraham Lincoln, sixteenth president
Bill Gates, software pioneer

Entertainment
Michael Jordan, basketball player and celebrity
Jim Carrey, actor
Angelina Jolie, actress
Julia Roberts, actress
Gwyneth Paltrow, actress
Clint Eastwood, actor/director
Charles Schulz, Peanuts cartoonist

I think I would classify myself as a classic introvert, but that doesn’t mean that myself and others are ‘anti-social’; we value our own solidarity more than our willingness to associate with others. And its not that introverts have nothing to say, we only speak when we have something to say; just like Obama schooled the White House Reporter in late March ’09 when responding to a question about why he didn’t react fast enough to the AIG execs bonus outrage, he responded “I like to know what I’m talking about first before I give a comment”.

Now I must get back to writing, reading, and using computers and such …
Lol

.:: LiBM ::.

Sources: Wikipedia.com/introversion

Blame it on the Recession

Blame it on the Recession

The recession can be looked at in a few angles; one, it can be viewed as a ‘system’ reset, a negative period with high unemployment, inspiration to spark innovation, or a plausible excuse for shit you don’t want to do.

We all get asked to do shit that we don’t want to, and if you don’t want to come off as ‘blunt’ or an ‘a-hole’, sometimes an excuse may be the best route to preserve someone’s feelings from being hurt. Thus, the recession can be handy excuse to give; everyone is going through it and everyone can relate.

Scenario’s:

Your girlfriend asks you to go to the play; plays can range from anywhere to $55 to $300 … Tell her that its a recession, you can’t afford it

You and your girls go shopping at the shoes store, when you come home, your fiance asks why would you go spend money on frivulous items … Tell him that you are helping to stimulate the economy

See? It works both ways. Though the recession is bad, it can be used for good – it all depends on what context you put it in; be creative, so that you can avoid those mundane, wack events that people want to drag you around too.

Don’t wanna do anything that friends propose? Blame it on the economy

.:: LiBM ::.