Category Archives: Family

Family

Satisfaction vs Fun

Satisfaction vs. Fun

A physiological difference of sorts

When talking about motivation and the rewards of motivation, I think it falls in one of two categories: satisfaction and fun. They sound similar, but are not the same. Satisfaction can be defined as contentment; which is a state of being at ease in one’s situation – physiologically, there are not major changes in the immune system when one is exeriencing a ‘satisfying’ moment. However ‘fun’ produces an adrenaline rush that causes blood to flow all throughout the body and excites our senses. With ‘fun’ there is a stage of intense stimulation followed by an exhaustion period. To highlight the difference, I have created the following examples:

Satisfaction

Gardening

– dealing with the allergies, weeds, animals eating your flowers and vegetables is not a pleasurable experience, but I can see that the end result of the hard work of gardening can be rewarding

Home Renovations

– besides the fact that you may suffer some injuries or may staple some part of your appendages to a wall, the reward of doing your own home renovations is the increased value of your property and the feelings of accomplishment and success

Cooking

– there is a fine art to cooking; the boiling, the seasoning, steaming of a dish can be very theraupetic after a stressful day – and the reception of compliments and accolades of a meal well prepared can be very fulfilling (pun intended)

Kids

– the thousands of dollars they cost, the stress and anxiety, the endless cleaning up after their mess isn’t that much ‘fun’, but kids do bring out a rewarding factor to parents; as parents can witness the growth and evolution of their offspring right in front of their eyes.

Working Out

– the changing of your clothes, dealing with people who think its cool to walk around nude in changerooms, and the sweat and intensity involved doesn’t make working out at the gym fun, but the improved immune system functioning (cardiovascular, lower blood pressure/cholesteorel), weight loss, and muscle growth make it all rewarding.


Fun

 

Sports

– the rush of hitting the jump shot, tackling the running back, or beating a defender provides an adrenaline rush that not much other experiences can provide.

Gentleman’s clubs

– self-explanatory, I guess if one can’t understand this, then the ‘hands-on’ approach is necessary (pun intended – in some states and provinces only)

Romance

– See last explanation
Shopping (for women)

– beats me!!! I have no rational explanation

.:: LiBM ::.

Mr. Nice Guy S.E.T.

Favor for a Favor

The Social Exchange Theory of Humanity

It is refreshing to see Bill and Melinda Gates giving millions of dollars to education and anti-poverty programs across the world, of course, Bill Gates is a billionaire after founding the Microsoft corporation in the 80’s, and is now focusing much of his attention to philanthropy causes. In a sense, one can say that Bill is being very altruistic as he is helping others without any concern for himself; or how he may profit off of his good deeds and actions. Not many people are altruistic – as many people may help, but they want something in return; whether it is recognition, accolades, or a future reward. With this definition, corporations that give back to communities/charities do so with motivations that focus on future rewards from government and businesses. Instinctively, humans operate on a Social Exchange Theory, which is to say that all human relationships are formed by the use of a subjective cost-benefit analysis and the comparison of alternatives, it is a process of negotiated exchanges between parties. What motivates one to do something for others is really what they expect to benefit from the process.

Some take pleasure in simply helping others


Designed by Carts

Some help others to appease others and to avoid a future threat


Designed by Stamatisgr

Some help others to increase their status to others


Designed by Phenix Land

Some help others to elicit a similar/greater favor from such individual in the future


Designed by Brown One

So based on these premises, I can’t understand how women time and time again will say “Oh, he is just a nice guy”, “he does that for me all the time”, “oh no, he doesn’t want anything in return”. I laugh at these women; as they are either really stupid, really clever, or lie somewhere in the abyss (in the middle). Don’t get me wrong, in any relationship (friendship, love, familial) there has to exist some cost/benefit exchange for the relationship to flourish; and both parties must feel that the exchanges and rewards are mutual/similar in intensity – or one party will feel ‘slighted’, and will develop the thought that they are being ‘used’. That’s why (regrettingly) we men must go to the girly type activities with our girlfriends; just as they must put up with our sports watching, athletic building, video game playing habits.

So just remember that the Social Exchange Theory really governs and regulates our behaviors and actions towards others. Since I don’t think that much of the people in the 15-34 demographic have much altruistic attitudes …

.:: LiBM ::.

Increasing Probability


Image by snoppy

Increasing Probability

Changing the variables to produce a better result for the Black Family

As a society; parents, children, brothers & sisters, the best we can do is increase the probability of success. There is not an absolute definitive formula that if practiced, will guarantee that a child will grow up ‘successfully'; there is a combination of social and economic factors that can lead the best of children to a life of violence and/or drugs. Thus, we can only try to increase the probabilities of a positive result by trying to control the variables. Especially in the Black community, it is very important that we try to control these variables as too many of our youth slip through the cracks.

Spending time with your kids and doing family activities
Sounds pretty basic, and it is – just doing communal activities such as watching TV together, grocery shopping, cooking, walking, can yield positive effects on youth. In today’s climate, we are all busy – some working multiple jobs to get by, but even just making a phone call to see what is going on with your kids can foster a relationship of warmth and dialogue; and the more dialogue that you have with your children, the better chances are that they will come to you for guidance when something is troubling them in their lives. As the parent, you must be an authoritative figure, but you must not always exercise your title with an iron fist – yelling/screaming will not develop a relationship of open dialogue; as the child will most likely not be willing to discuss their problems with you. Parents must be open to dialogue and discourse or face a child that is unwilling to share and open up.

Positive reinforcement
Positive reinforcement is an increase in the future frequency of a behavior due to the addition of a stimulus immediately following a response. Giving (or adding) food to a dog contingent on its sitting is an example of positive reinforcement. Essentially this means ‘reward youth’, when they do good, it may be best to show a tangible appreciation (if possible, like a gift or item), or at least an intangible appreciation such as accolades and praise. The common argument I heard growing up for when I do good is ‘well, that is what you should be doing’, which has some merits, but rewarding youth for their performance is a preparation for the real work world – where bonuses are giving to those that perform well. As with the real work world, once a person receives a bonus, they will try hard to maintain their behavior that led them to that award; thus, promising your kids a specific video game or outing for their performance may be advantageous – and if they fail to meet the achieved requirement, still supplement them with something that is appropriate, because you do not want them to feel resentment towards you.

Avoiding Displacement
As with everything, from time to time we may have problems with our significant others, work, school, or just the mundane annoyances of life, but that doesn’t mean that we have to displace our frustrations to our children. Displacement operates in the mind unconsciously, and involves emotions, ideas, or wishes being transferred from their original object to a more acceptable substitute. It is most often used to allay anxiety. That safe ‘acceptable substitute’ is usually our children, as they become the recipient for our frustrations.

 

When reading the statistics on the black family, the numbers are alarming and troubling – as a whole, we all need to be better educated on familial relationships techniques and inner dynamics. Being aware of such will hopefully lead to better independent and familial functioning for both the child and the parent. Now for some of the rough statistics, ‘rough’ as in ‘bad':

The net worth of a black fmaily in America is $5988 versus a white family of $88651

9 million Blacks in the U.S. are in poverty.

U.S. Black women outnumbered Black males in every decade of the Twentieth Century.

White Males with a high-school diploma are just as likely to have a job and tend to earn just as much as black males with college degrees

Approximately 60% of children in public kinship care are African American.

45% of Black Children live below the poverty line, compared with 16% of White children

Although African American youth account for 15% of the U.S.
population, they account for 26% of juvenile arrests, 31% of delinquency referrals to juvenile court, 44% of juveniles detained in delinquency cases, 40% in residual placements, 46% of juveniles transferred to adult criminal court, and 58% admitted to state prisons.

African American students account for 14.8% of the general population for the 6 through 21 age group, compared with 20.2% of the special education population in all disabilities. 18.3% are diagnosed with a specific learning disability, 34.3% are diagnosed with mental retardation and 26.4% are diagnosed as being emotionally disturbed.

Although African American youth account for only 15% of the
juvenile population, more African American juveniles than white
juveniles were murdered between 1988 and 1995.

Source: http://www.blackangelnetwork.org/?q=stats

Knowledge is power …
.:: LiBM ::.

Stretching Thin

Stress 

Stretching Thin

Staying on the equilibrium path of momentum for the Yuppy; CAUTION, challenges ahead, usually from within

The Yuppy goes ‘hard’, our lives is a constant balancing act as we try to maintain a steady equilibrium of forward movement. Some of us have vices that we use to sustain the movement; alcohol, drugs, avoidance, detachment, and we think that this will stretch our movement. However this is counter-productive thought, our vices usually are a quick fix for us to escape our fears, insecurities and problems which are probably interfering with the forward movement that we are desiring to achieve. Being self-aware of such a fact, and taking a hard look at your inner self can make one realize potential hazardous behaviors. I am not saying that social drinking is not acceptable, but if after every stressful event in your life, you cope with a bottle of Jack Daniel’s, then one is creating a dangerous dependency.

Personal relationships can be the worse as we may not be able to enjoy the company of others (our family, friends, loved ones). Sometimes yuppy’s are so passionate about their own projects, their agenda, that they can’t relate to others’ accomplishments and stories. It’s like our sister and brothers can be telling us something about their day that they find interesting, and we will show an attitude of of un-interest and nonchalant behavior. Appreciating others may be a first step in appreciating our own selves and accomplishments.

In all, the Yuppy goes hard, and the Yuppy has a lot to deal with. A lot of pressure and stress can come from various sources, and how we deal with them ultimately defines how far we will go, and at what cognitive/physical/social expense.

.:: LiBM ::.

WikiP: ‘Trust’

Trust
Virtues: relationships, predictive actions, past knowledge

I‘ve always known wikipedia to be a good resource for historical facts and events, but it never really dawned on me that wikipedia can be used as a dictionary – to look up terms and definitions of everyday words. Well, apparently to my knowledge, wikipedia is also some sort of a dictionary, but where dictionary.com only gives you the definition of a word, wikipedia gives you the definition and concepts behind the word, and relational concepts.

For example, let’s look at the word ‘Trust‘:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trust_%28social_sciences%29

Trust is a relationship of reliance. A trusted party is presumed to seek to fulfill policies, ethical codes, law and their previous promises.

Trust does not need to involve belief in the good character, vices, or morals of the other party. Persons engaged in a criminal activity usually trust each other to some extent. Also trust does not need to include an action that you and the other party are mutually engaged in. Trust is a prediction of reliance on an action, based on what a party knows about the other party. Trust is a statement about what is otherwise unknown — for example, because it is far away, cannot be verified, or is in the future.

And it goes on, and on. Reading this, I particularly find the line ‘Trust is a prediction of reliance on an action, based on what a party knows about the other party.‘ to be very telling as it really does not matter how long you have known someone to ascertain if you trust them, what is important is how much knowledge and/or insight you have on an individual – one can get that intel in years or in a matter of minutes. Family, lifelong friends should be ‘trustworthy’, but we may only perceive them as such because of the notion that such people should be the ones that we ‘trust’. Well trust me, trust can be found in the oddest of places with even the oddest of people, as trust should really be based and predicted upon the reliance of an action – based on what you know about an individual.

I believe I always have had this notion for years, but have never been able to articulated quite like the wiki has (but, I never really had the desire to do so either). Its very hard to say that I can fully trust someone – because we base trust on how we would hope/anticipate people to act in certain situations. Its a cliche to say well, “I hope they will do the right thing”, but that ‘right thing’ varies from individual to individual. It would be best to base your trust based on the immediate action + what prior information you know about the individual.

For example:

You would not trust him with your kids:


Michael Jackson

You would not trust him with your 15 year old daughter:


R. Kelly

You would not trust her with keeping a secret:


Karrine Superhead Steffans

You would not trust him (Ike Turner) with your personal safety:


Ike Turner & Tina Turner

You would not trust his word:


O.J. Simpson

In all, you would not trust these people in the examples that I prescribed, but that does not directly correlate that you would not trust them in other scenarios: R. Kelly could be able to give you good advice & direction regarding the music industry, O.J. may be a trustful source of information for football skills & techniques, and Karrine ‘Superhead’ Steffans may be a good source of intel on how to keep a man … any guess on how she would do that? (LOL).

But, in all importance, we all need to put our trust in ourselves as we must be confident and, we must try to attain a sense of surety that the decisions we make will be the ‘right’ one.

.:: d.b ::.

Black Like Me

Black Like Me
Virtues: race, distinction, etiology

Black like me, like who? Whether your background is Caribbean, American, or African, if you are black you share traits – people look at you with common expectations. However, amongst black people, we like to distinguish ourselves from each other, even though we essentially come from the same place – Africa. My background is Caribbean, but now I reside in North America (Toronto to be specific), and I once talked to this African woman; I thought that it would be just as usual if I was talking to a Jamaican or Trini, but I soon realized that I felt that our cultures were so different; I almost thought that I was dating a white girl. I was learning about different foods, traditions, heritage, attitudes that I thought that I should know (because we share the same race), but I was grossly mistaken.

Historical Sense
In North America, you generally have two classes of black people: domesticated/westernized blacks & Africans. The former group comes from a diverse background; they have either migrated from the Caribbean islands and/or are the offspring of slavery. From the shores of Halifax Nova Scotia which was Canada’s first black population settlement, to the deep south of Mississippi, there is similarity of a shared struggle throughout history that exists even to this day; their heritage only spans from somewhere in the 1800’s – anytime before that, and the details of their heritage gets sketchy, fuzzy, like channel ‘01’. Similarly, the Caribbean people that have migrated to Canada & the U.S. for better prosperity share a similar heritage-like progression as they too have lost details about their history from around the 1800’s and even early 1900’s. This is significant to the domesticated/westernized blacks because they have a loss of culture; a loss of roots.

I know the enlightened person is like, ‘you shouldn’t group Caribbean’s with domesticated westernized blacks because their culture is different’, such a person would be right; but they share the same etiology – the etiology they share is different from African blacks.

Noticeable Differences
It is the etiology that essentially creates the distinction and divide that exists amongst blacks – so much so that both groups are prejudice to each other. And with all types of prejudice behavior – it is a result of a lack of knowledge and respect for others. Meaning, that the Westernized blacks may know about the history of Africa (i.e. slavery), but currently, the Westernized blacks do not know much about the current state of their brethren across the Atlantic. According to the media, Africa is still full of savages, AIDS, poverty, and tribes.

In my experiences, both groups have an inherent bias towards themselves. The domesticated/westernized blacks believe that they are better than the Africans because they have been in the West longer, understand the western culture & ideals better, and have better language skills. Whereas, the Africans believe that they are better than the domesticated/westernized blacks because they believe that they have more heritage, know their roots, and are more ‘black’ (pure) than their brethren. So basically, this correlates into a subdued (or at times overt) attitude that people develop of ‘frowning’ and/or ‘looking down’ on others. Which really shouldn’t be the case, because in the end, while we battle ‘looking down’ at each other, the ‘man’ is looking down at us – laughing, exploiting as usual.

Think about that!

.:: d.b

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