Category Archives: Relationships

Relationships: Understanding how humans relate to each other

Love

Venus and its attempt to engulf Mars

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Stop saying ‘mines’ and start saying ‘ours’
Virtues: Venus vs. Mars, relationships, comprimise

This is actually a line from a Lil’ Kim song back in the day. The line surfaced in my head after a discussion with my girlfriend when she said, you need to stop thinking “I”, and start thinking “WE”. I had to stop & think about this for a sec as maybe she was inferencing that I am selfish, self-centered, and other ‘self’ absorbed attributes (of course she is wrong about that).
But on a larger scale, I think that when women say such things like ‘think WE’ it is more so a code for ‘think like me’, assimilate to my ideology.

Mars & Venus
It is true that men are from Mars & women are from Venus, and when the two planets meet, the goal of Venus is to engulf Mars, change its gravitational force, modify its outer appearance, and change its atmospheric behavior. More times than not, Mars is content with Venus & all of her many flaws, but Mars rarely tries to change them to assimilate to Mars’ world; Mars has a better ability to understand that our differences make us unique & tolerance is easier than cohesion.
But enough of inter-planetary dynamics, women are very meticulous & calculated creatures. ‘We’ & ‘ours’ is the logical progression for any relationship as feelings of love & affection grows, BUT be cautious just as an amber light. Because ‘WE’ should not have to mean the end of YOU, and your mind, body, & soul.

Be careful of those bodysnatchers …

— d.b
http://www.vacantlot.org/

Logic, Love

Procrastinating Nature & inaction

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Procrastinating Nature & Inaction
An account of reciprocal effects (questionnable) for inaction

 

 

Many times I have heard that procrastination is the ‘thief of time’, but more so I was thought that too procrastinate was to waste an opportunity. However, there is one incident that happened which I learned that procrastination, which is ‘inaction’ can cause an undesired ‘action. 

I had a good girl friend named Samantha, we had just recently met through an acquaintance, and we vibed well with each other, cracked jokes, chilled, you know how it starts. However, I was attached to someone else, but that relationship was on the rocks, and was on & off as she had ‘issues’, again, you know how ‘that’ is. Anyhow, Samantha was also seeing someone else, but she told me about him and she had concerns about him. For example, she was much older than her, and felt that his intentions were suspicious. So thus, it was kind a like, she was talking to me about her problems, I was talking to her about my problems – a sort of double counselling interaction.

Moving forward to a warm August evening where my so-called girlfriend had run-off to Jamaica with her ex (whole another blog, would probably be a series) and as I was coming home, I got a call from Samantha. She was calling me from her guy’s place (mentioned above, let’s call him ‘Bob’). I was kinda thrown-aback as to why she was calling me; Bob was in the vicinity of her, she sounded very distant and peculiar. I was kinda jealous in a sense that she was calling me from his place, because I had grown feelings for Samantha, but I never could muster the words to tell her how I feel; regardless if she would have accepted or rejected it, the days leading up to that, I wanted to tell her that I grown an affinity to her. Thus, this phone call could have been the prime opportunity to do such a task – especially when it felt that she was calling not to say ‘I’m with Bob’, but calling for me to convince her about something. You ever get that feeling? When someone calls you, expecting you to say something, hoping that you will say something?

It got to the point that she was purposely dragging on the conversation, after a considerable amount of time, I ended the conversation, but she quickly told me, numerious times to call her back in like 1 hour. I told her that I would. However, I didn’t, I don’t recall if it was deliberate or I just plain forgot.

I come to find out that Samantha called me after Bob made some advances that she wasn’t ‘totally’ comfortable with; I’ll use the word ‘totally’ as she was borderline engaged with Bob’s pressing behavior. When she called moi, it was her trying to convince herself to leave – thus, she wanted me to say something to make her leave. Maybe if I had said what was truly on my mind, that would have given her the strength & rationale to leave Bob’s place, but she didn’t leave, and further she did not receive my phone call that I had promised – which may have intervened in an inevitable event because ultimately, Bob sexually assaulted her.

Now, I know that I am not responsible for this; so this piece is not a guilt trip or I am not placing blame on myself for the horrific act. However, I will say that my inaction may have caused Samantha not to follow her intuitions, I think that I could have said something that would have made her do something – would have made her not to endure such a life-altering event.

I know it is very speculative in nature, and from time to time it bothers me, but I have learned that procrastination/inaction is truly an action – thus, it does have reciprocal effects.

Think about it, the next time you want to say something, but you stop yourself.

Peace,
D.B

 

Love

Yes, I’m wrong, but i’m justified, wtf?

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Yes I’m WRONG, but I’m justified
Virtues: meism, biased, playground mentality

 

I’m sure that you have heard it all before; it something that we used to do habitually as a kid. You know, “I took Tommy’s toy because he was mean to me“, and so on. We did it then because there was a sense of justification – somebody did me wrong, so it must only be natural to return the favor, right? Well, our teachers and parents sharply criticized for such behavior, I know I’ve heard it before “Two wrongs don’t make a right”, “you should know better than that”, “don’t stoop to their level”, and so on. But as we grow and evolve into the person we are destined to be, naturally it would be wise to think that we abandon such behavior, but I think it only gets worse and complex – complex in the sense that we will justify our ‘wrongs’ based on the situation, and will try to justify our ‘wrong’ actions as a measured response to something completely unrelated.

 

 

For example, my good friend borrowed my classic Nintendo system a couple of years ago and never gave it back, and claims that his nephew has it – which I know is false. My measured response to this is that sometimes he will ask for a ride to go somewhere, I will agree, but I will show up late on purpose … I don’t know why I do this, but I get some sort of satisfaction out of it, even though I know it is wrong. Or, I’m sure that we have all done this at some point, a boss has pissed us off, thus we take solace in taking office supplies or other company items – of course, I have never done this ….. shame on y’all that have!

 

 

Its all good when you are the culprit or the person being ‘wrong’, but when someone is ‘wronging’ (is that a word?) you, and when they get caught red-handed, it is interesting how deflections start coming up like a blocked shot. For instance, my girl was very rude and feisty in a telephone exchange, when confronted later on about the situation, she knew that she was wrong, but attempted to justify her actions as a response to how I was rude to her, in the past though. I laughed, chuckled, and realized that our playground mentality will always be with us, its really a part of who we are – the only thing that will change, if anything, is that we will find more eloquent ways to justify our behaviors, and provide more psychological/social context to a simple principle:

 

“Nah nah boo boo, I’m going to get you!”
(to get the pronunciation, say it like you would have said it when you were 7), lol.

 

 

Peace,
check out http://qod.vacantlot.org/ – get your daily dose of hip-hop wisdom & now a Facebook app

 

Love

Lingering Effect

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Image from: http://www.neoabstracts.com/

Lingering Effect

Virtues: closure, disclosure, stay ‘true’, instinct, intuition, relationships

 

Overview, this piece deals with the concept of closure in relationships, don’t know what closure is? Wiki it. 



The lingering effect, in my opinion, occurs well after closure – which begs the question if closure CAN and IS ever really achieved. The lingering effect is more of an after-thought which asks the question: what could of been done different? Almost like reminiscing of what one could of done to produce a better situation. You don’t think about it constantly – for if you did, you would have closure issues, but every once in awhile a stimulus (song, conversation, etc.) will send you aboard a cruise ship back in time for a bit. An impression has definitely been made; and this impression has definitely sculpted who YOU are. But is it wise to try to make lingering effects a more meaningful effect? Meaning, trying to get in contact with someone, or trying to get back to that emotion that the lingering effect brings?

Sometimes I battle with these thoughts – i’m sure i’m not the only one. But dealing with lingering effects means going back to a past that you may have already outgrown – or that she has outgrown. Maybe she has moved on, got married, is living the good life, nice career, or, she is an abusive situation, gets treated badly — and desperately needs someone to ‘bail’ her out. Not financially, physically, or sexually (maybe sexually), but mentally. You see, not confronting or dealing with the lingering effects may indirectly lead her to continue dealing with that destructive boyfriend who pushes, or deal with that dude because of his money — all for security reasons I guess, we all need it. However, an intervention or confronting the lingering effect by even reaching out via phone/txt/email may do some good, may reconnect the tracks, may power the lines of your past communications.

Or it could not.

But they say inaction is worse than no action, but sometimes its better to remember a point in time that was genuine & real, and make that chick relish that moment that she missed out on – while she is with her pusha, do you feel me?

Funny how this relates all back to the concept of ‘closure’, do we ever have any?

I probably don’t!

Let me know what y’all think.

.:: Peace ::.
http://www.vacantlot.org/

Love

The Wrong Valentine

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I’ve had messed up Valentine’s Day’s in the past, most notably getting dumped (however, she came back several weeks later ), but this year may have been my worse; not because of what happened to me, but because of what I may have caused, indirectly.

The night before the Valentine’s, I called up my ex-girl and told her that I would take her out out on Valentine’s Day; she did not have any boyfriend so I thought everything was cool. However, she was acting all stupid, saying ‘maybe’, giving me the runaround. So I say cool, and I keep it moving.

Valentine Day rolls around, and in the morning, my friend Joanne calls me up to tell me she got a link at a fancy restaurant and invited me to come – naturally, I agree. Couple hours pass, and the ex calls up and wants to know when I am coming by to pick her up …. , I’m like, you punked me last night, so I found alternate plans. She did not believe me at first, but when it finally sunk in, she began to get really mad. But I told her that you had your chance, you were being foolish, so I moved on. Conversation ended, I didnt really think anything of it.

Anyways, I go on the date to the classy restaurant with Joanne (oh yeah, who is the ‘Limited Dosage‘, check for the blog I wrote on ‘Limited Dosage’), and then the ex starts calling, texting, trying to interrupt my night. I ignore it. Realistically, I would have preferred to be with the ex, because I can really, really, really only handle Joanne in Limited Dosages. The following day rolls around, and I call the ex to see how she is, and I never really thought I had a strong affect on her anymore, but she was extremely hurt and saddened by my actions; she truly expected me to break off my plans for her, which I could of very easily, but chose not to. The ex was very irate and mad, and I began to understand that she had deeper feelings for me than she lead on.

However, if she wasn’t ‘playing around’ and acting foolish (which she claims that I should have known that she was acting that way) then things would have transpired differently. I kinda wish they had transpired differently because even though I was eating like a King, dining on savory food, and enjoying a rich ambient atmosphere … I wasn’t with my TRUE Valentine.

A Lesson Learned.

Peace.

Love, Relationships

The Conditional Engagement

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The Conditional Engagement Ring

Give it back if it doesn’t work


Came across an interesting moral question the other day when a friend of mine who is engaged, said that she would NOT give back an engagement ring if her engagement was broken. This kind of surprised me because I figured that a woman would give back an engagement ring because she would not want a symbolic reminder of a failed relationship. Perhaps maybe it was for the monetary value of the ring, but when I asked if that was the case, she was not concerned about the ring’s value; in hopes to pawn it off for some cheddar — her only reason for aspiring to retain such a ring is because it ‘looks nice’, aesthetically speaking.

 

However, my understanding of this whole marriage ish is that an engagement ring is a conditional offering; a man’s desire to wed his woman in the near future. I don’t think the ring can be labelled as a ‘gift’; flowers, candy, expensive jewellery are gifts, not an engagement ring — it has more significance than a ‘gift’, historically speaking (shot to those that want to label an engagement ring as a ‘gift’).

Historical Sense

From what I can find, the engagement ring was presided (created as a a formality) by Pope Innocent III in 1215 by the Fourth Lateran Council; their initial purpose were to preserve a ‘a visible division of social rank, ensuring only the privileged wore florid jewels’ (bastards) and to declare a longer waiting period between betrothal and marriage. Traditionally, it is a norm for the woman to return the ring if the engagements is called off, but in some cases (i.e. the man cheats) the woman is not obliged to return the ring — however in some U.S. states, the view is that the engagement ring is a conditional gift and that the ring SHOULD be returned under any circumstances.

Furthermore, if you want to get symbolic about the whole ‘marriage’ situation, the engagement ring is a symbol of the man’s property (i.e. the woman); the engagement ring is only worn by the woman as a symbol to other men that she is ‘taken’ (the man does not wear any symbol/ring until actual marriage); the ring shows that she is already tied to a man. Think of the engagement ring as a sign of ‘marked territory’; sort of like what a Lion or Tiger does, for the purposes of protecting their possession.

Thus you can fill out the strong symbolism and even emotional pulses one send’s out when you still desire to keep an engagement ring after the engagement is called off.

But if the ring is nice … I guess its cool, right? (feelings, emotions, sanity being absent of
course)

.:: Food for thought ::.

—
sources: wikipedia.com

Love, Relationships

Limited Dosage

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LIMITED DOSAGE
Tolerating the intolerable, but you still like her …

 

 

Ever encountered this ….

 

I have this lady friend; an attraction exists between both of us. Known each other for several months now, went out a couple of times, talk on the phone regularly (at times). Now, everything is cool about her, except that at times I can’t stand her; not in the aspect that we argue and/or bicker towards each other, but its just that at times her behavior and interests seem to be so distant from mines. Talking only about the latest fashions, desiring to only role in the flyest cars, aspiring to hang around celebrities, seem to be the depth of her intelligence at times (coincidentally, especially in public). And on a one-on-one, its like a completely different chick emerges; one who is knowledgeable, educated, introspective.

So I guess the problem exists in a public setting – once that is removed, I guess I should have no issues right? However, she always wants to go out here and there; especially because she inhabits the urban downtown core where she is accessible to everything. And I at times, like to go out and would like a fly chick by my side.

To move closer, would mean spending more time with her doing the things that ‘couples do’, but I don’t think I can tolerate her in a high dosage (talking everyday, seeing each other frequently, etc.). And I feel that she wants to move closer, however, I can only stomach her in limited dosages; dosages that satisfy my needs …

 

Is this wrong?

Relationships

Collateral Hating

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A thought in the arts of Hating ….

Now, hating is nothing new – its a part of daily life, as people say and/or do certain things to try to undermine and/or impede your progress; growing up in a major city, i’ve grown to accept that.

When the hate is directed to me, I can handle it – dish it back, package it properly right back to the sender. However, this new ‘hate by association’ thing is perplexing.

An ex-girl of a colleague of mines is deciding (against better judgment) to spread hate on him, and myself to people that are in our circle. Now, go ahead girl, do your thing and hate on your ex-man that may have done a, b, and c, to you (or, what you perceive), but don’t include me; that is wreckless hating (new word) and can have some adverse consequences – kind of like pain medication.

I’m sure ‘Collateral Hating’ is a common occurrence, but what it should do the victims involved (i.e. being ME) is that it should propel the energy in one’s self to over-achieve above the hater’s limited expectations of you. Yes, I could get mad, angry, and spew about it, but i’d rather manifest that energy into trying to triumphant the feat that the hater thinks I can’t do.

Also, it is comforting to know that most haters are not a ‘stand-up’ species; rather in the face of adversity or confrontation they swelter … saying “Nah, I didn’t say that, she said that”, hmmm, that reminds of some type of species … on all fours though …

Peace Haters

—
Lemme know what y’all think … peace.

Love, Relationships

Women, and their self-fulfulling prophecy of misery Pt. 1

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I am not really one to be writing about relationships and crap, but I figured I will give it a try.

Quick run-down:
Boy knows girl for several years; they kept in touch but sporadically. Girl felt like Boy was just going after her goodies; which was kinda true, but over time – boy matured and girl felt that level of maturity, so girl and boy start talking. However, Girl has broken up with her ex 6-8 months) before girl reconnects with boy. Girl likes Boy, vice versa. Girl thinks and professes that boy is great, ideal, and really likes Boy (also thinks that Boy is a great communicator, compromiser, and intelligent) – thus, girl initiates a date. On date both have a good time, enjoy each others company, date ends with a kiss. However, girl is overwhelmed with feelings of joy/bliss, but is conflicted with her ex (mind you, who cheated and disrespected her). Thus, girl panics and freaks out (which I dont understand). Ignores Boy for several weeks and ignores his phone calls. Finally, Girl sees the errs in her ways, and contacts Boy and says that she is sorry for her actions, but Boy is upset that girl would treat her this way … sorry for the ‘quick run-down’

Now, besides knowing that naturally, women are generally screwed; as is, they have no idea of knowing what they want in life and/or a man. Why can’t women acknowledge and respect when they have a good thing in their life. If girl felt this way, knowing that boy is understanding and is a good communicator, girl should have told boy her feelings – NOT ignore boy like a chicken head (or insert appropriate regional word). That is my qualm. Every action is a reciprocal equal or greater action, and though Boy wishes Girl good luck, i’m sure Boy wishes her some equal/greater treatment as she showed to him, by some other boy … ya dig??

Lemme know what y’all think (women: sorry for the generalizations, but you know what it is already!!).