Category Archives: Relationships

Relationships: Understanding how humans relate to each other

Pussification pt. 2: No, I don’t subscribe

July 3, 2008 d dot b Leave a comment

Pussification pt. 2: No, I don’t subscribe
A more succinct way of disagreement
View pt.0 and get familiar

Society has become increasingly tolerant and sensitive to the needs of others; looking at our etiology we have come a long way from the tyrant, barbarian behaviour of our ancestors. As of late, after the feminist and civil rights movement, in an era I like to call ‘social movements’, we have a hard time of saying ‘no’ to the simplest of things. ‘No’ is a refusal skill that implies a disagreement or rejection to something (concept, question, etc.). Instead of saying ‘no’ we will substitute our disagreeable or rejectable response for longer, and more sensitive responses that can lead to ambiguity – meaning the respondee may be lead to believe that there is hope to their question.

So why do we do this? Having respect, and being respectful for others feelings could be a reason; as we are taught such behavior from a young age. However, we can still have respect for others, and their feelings, without embodying the qualities of pussification (pretentiousness, fake, ambiguity, non-genuine, not ‘keeping it real’).

Here are some real world examples on how you can un-pussificate yourself:

Can you help me out and do some of my work?

old: “I’ll see if I can get around to it”
try: “No, I’m not going to do your work”.

Did you mess up on that 1st quarter report?

old: “I’m not sure, I don’t think I did that”
try: “No, I don’t have any recollection to what you are referring to”

Honey, can we go see Sex and the City?

old: “I’ll see, I got a lot of things to do later on”
try: “No, that is for chicks, I’m a man”.

Do you like my outfit?

old: “Its okay”
try: “No, its wack – it needs work.”

Want to hit up the club tonight?

old: “Not really, I’m kind of busy tonight, and the club is kind of expensive, and I’m trying to save my money”
try: “No, that club that your going to is weak and has ugly women”

In all, people respect those that give respect, and furthermore, people can – or at least should, respect an honest opinion. Its okay to disagree with someone – there may be some notion or perception that saying ‘no’ may lead to an argument of some kind, when in all honesty it is not a start of an argument per say, but the start of a discussion, a dialogue of sorts. An open exchange of opposing, differing, and even similar views – try it sometimes, you may be surprised with the results, and even with what you learn.

.:: d.b ::.

~ Life in B Major ~

Love, Relationships

Silly Monkeys! Part 4: The Girlfriend’s Friend

June 23, 2008 d dot b Leave a comment

Silly Monkeys! Part 4: The Girlfriend’s Friend
Get Familiar with the Silly Monkeys!:
Part 3: The Bouncer
Part 2: The Fly Designer
Part 1: The Banker
Part 0: An Abstract

At first she is nice. She can be pleasant and kind as she tries to sift through you; you know, to determine if you are right for her girl. She knows more about you than she leads on – she knows your good and your bad, your insecurities, your buttons. She is supposed to be happy for her girl, keyword is ‘supposed to’. However she has grown up with her for awhile, and with woman, girls, females, and lets include humans in general, there will always exist a competitive spirit. She wants to be happy for her, but its very hard for her to be happy for her, if she isn’t happy.
It says that thou shall not covet thy’s neighbor’s wife, maybe it should have just stopped at ‘thou shall not covet’, as if it were such a case, she would be a sinful sinner.

And she tries so hard to attain what she sees, and when she realizes that it is a paramount task, she gets calculating. She thinks, ‘well, if she is happy and I’m not, then …’ she gets a case of crab-bucketitis – If she can’t ascend herself to feel like her friend, then she brings the b*tch down.
Misery loves company, and she is looking for fellow employees – and she will try to bring you down to, directly or indirectly, and she has the power to do it. She knows, and will play off of your insecurities, jealousy, anything to get you emotional and cause a riff between you and your girlfriend.

But I play a different chord.

Fellas, understand that she only wants to break up your melody, because she wants a facsimile of your melody.

And with vocals like her, she will never harmonize, but will always be off-key.

And maybe the girlfriend will realize it as such and will end the sonata.

Aside:
I once experienced this dim creature and she purposefully and skillfully was able to affect me and caused problems between my girlfriend and I. Oh man, she was clever, she pushed a button that she knew would upset and trouble me. She got me. I was able to recover, naturally, because I am the trampoline-man (everytime I fall, I land on a trampoline). However she left her mark, and even Ajax, Vim, or Comet can’t clean it. I haven’t dealt fully with this silly monkey, maybe I will, maybe I won’t, but I can say that in the future, if I ever encounter such a silly monkey again, I’ll be sure to turn the silly monkey into a buffoon – expose her for what she really is, and what she is trying to do to her ‘friend’ (girlfriend); And that is what irked me most about this particular silly monkey, is that she was maybe trying to hurt me, but she ended up hurting her friend, and their friendship.

Silly monkey.

.:: d.b ::.

Relationships, Social

The Simplicity in the ‘Difficult’

May 29, 2008 d dot b Leave a comment

The Simplicity in the ‘Difficult’

Virtues: stubborness, respect, communications, selfish behavior

The ‘Difficult’ can be described as those people that are problematic & troublesome to deal with; they put up a hassle, they b*tch, complain, argumentative, slightly to severely irrational, and have an insurmountable level of the quality of stubbornness. The stubbornness is the inability or unwillingness to change and/or embrace a new idea or concept; and stubbornness relates to inability to understand where another person is coming from and not listening to what they are saying. The ‘Difficult’ are all around us – at the office, school, family, friends; they all at some point will find a situation where they will only care about their self-serving interests and will ignore/disregard what you are trying to say.

Varying Degrees of the Difficult
The difficult have to be one of two people; either they are very cunning and crafty OR they are very ignorant and lack comprehension skills. Either degree of the two can create headaches and problems for the individual that is dealing with this difficult specimen of human; I mean, after dealing with difficult people, many experience nausea, high blood pressure, bewilderment, and even rage. Going back to the degrees of the difficult that I outlined, the cunning & crafty difficult person is difficult because usually it ties into some logical plan that they have outlined – and they wish not to deviate from their plan. However, the ignorant and lacking comprehension skills of the difficult is usually tied not to logical thinking, but to selfish motives; the “I want to do it my way” school of thought. This group of the difficult usually can not provide logical reasons for their actions, and the only reasons they can provide are self-serving and selfish.

Dealing with the Difficult
I used to think that I am a difficult person to deal with (keyword for you mofo’s is ‘used’), but I had to privilege to listen in on a conversation with two people that were having a logistical/business discussion. To surmise promptly, the difficult person had gotten himself into some trouble with what he had promised without consulting his business partner; the business partner explained to the Difficult as to why what he had promised could not materialize – there must have been 10 explanations with different visual examples, but the Difficult did not get it or choose to ignore. The Difficult continued to ask the same question(s) over & over again. The business partner had to eventually come off the phone as it was raising her blood pressure and she was becoming increasingly enraged.

The whole time I was observing, I was like ‘wow’, dude is very difficult – he is not or is unwilling to understand simple things. Furthermore, these simple things that he was not understanding was because if he chose to understand, it would make him look very asinine … his behavior appeared to be very difficult, but the reasons for him behaving as such were simple – he was in a jam/mess, and was trying to get out of it the best way he can.

So in the dealing with the difficult, it can be a simple process, and its not anything really profound or deep, you just got to tell the difficult how simple it is to resolve your problem, and it starts with accountability, then grows to compromise.

Explain it once, maybe twice, after the third time, let ‘Mr. Tone’ do the talking, first name ‘dial’.

.:: d.b ::.

Love

ClearView

April 28, 2008 d dot b Leave a comment

ClearView
Virtues: Relationships, peace, understanding, compromise

Relationships can be a tumultuous affair; confusing and frustrating, noisy and unrestrained – yielding excitement and great happiness to emotional agitation. I’m in a committed relationship with this woman, lets call her Melissa (lol). Ambitious, loving, caring, at times stubborn & selfish, sexy, and very perceptive. I am also very perceptive, and too much perceptiveness, in my case, leads to heightened paranoia. I’m sure that many can relate, and many take proactive measures to muffle their paranoia from increasing; Alicia may snoop in Mike’s phone, Robert may randomly check out Erica’s workplace to make sure she is there, and such. All of those/these types of behavior may quell your suspicion, but if the suspicion is so strong that you are willing to do extreme behavior, then you got to ask yourself if you got a ClearView?

What is a ClearView, if you’ve been reading my literary masterpieces, then you know that I like creating new terms and/or applying old terms to different/left-park concepts. A ClearView is a state of accepting the relationship as it is, as it could be, and what it might be.

As it is (AIS)
As it is (What it is), is pretty self-explanatory in abstract, but in practicality, there are usually two different current states. Having a ClearView is understanding the two different states, and understanding that those two different states may never merge as one; and really, I don’t think that it ever has to merge as one – that isn’t as important as understanding than more than one exists.

As it could be (ACIB )
As it could be (AICB), is the vision that each one has – of themselves, together, and of the other one. AICB almost works like ecological optics and the concept flow information; to move through the environment, the brain uses information from the eye, previous experiences, and ‘feeds forward’ the information to predict future actions. Thus, AICB is really based upon understanding how it is, and if how it is can be changed. Can you & your partner change? Are you willing? Stubbornness can be an obstacle to this, as one has to have a ClearView that each party has to compromise and change in order to get to that state to where they want to be – as long as it is not at the expense of their own personal beliefs and values, but with that said, that is a problem, with each party, and each party must understand that that problem will exist – and may never go away.

As it might be? (AIMB)
Having a ClearView of ‘as it might be’ is very scary. Growing up, I had many girls tell me all sorts of stories where they slept around on their b/f, disrespected the b/f, and used the b/f for monetary/status gains. This world is nasty. So having a ClearView is understanding that you are ready to accept ‘what it might be’; I’m not saying to condone AIMB, but to be strong and confident that you are at peace with yourself. That you have tried to be honest, respectful, loving, and real. And having such a ClearView, I think, would subdue paranoia to a manageable extent so that you won’t be snooping around, spying, and things of that nature.

Do I have this ClearView?

I think I do, and at times my vision is clouded, but for my sanity sake, I subscribe to the notion that being at peace at yourself of what it is, what it could be, and what it might be is a viable path to constant sanity. I have definitely been tested though, as most relationships have. One time Melissa acted irresponsibly around one of my close friends; to make a long story short (because that is a blog in itself), when I heard of the irresponsible behavior from my friend, I was emotionally agitated. Upon confrontation, Melissa told me that wasn’t the case, even though both parties had similar stories (regarding chain of events), but the motivation for Melissa behaving as she did was different than he thought.

Regardless, my ClearView was developed during that difficult time – as I wasn’t going to let my paranoia consume me; because I can control and influence ‘as it is’ & ‘as it could be’, but ‘as it might be’ is out of MY hands … and that is a succinct ClearView.

Ya Digg? Share your thoughts by leaving a comment.

.:: d.b

Love

-, +, *, but never /

March 20, 2008 d dot b 2 Comments

-, +, *, but never /
Virtues: poetic, feelings, compromising, love, affection

Math is not one of my favourite subjects, but I’ll learn it for you;

I’ve subtracted many of the girls in my life because they would just be trouble – and try to reduce our love from multiplying;

I’ve taking away some lessons from them and added it to our equation;

As I learned that being too impersonal isn’t adding as much objectification as much as it multiplies the distance between you & I;

So I learned to be more direct and crass, even though you say it subtracts from my being ‘sensitive’, but I say it adds to the facts that you know where my true feelings is, are;

I also learned to be more understanding – as women are from Venus and men are from Mars, and fighting over our differences doesn’t add to any productivity, but takes away from relationship efficiency – so trying to understand YOU subtracts any tension and any incrementing space between you and me;

So I try to be understanding and compromising if it multiplies your happiness, but as long as it doesn’t subtract any of the pillars, rocks, and foundations that I stand with (read pussification pt. 0);

I’ve learned a lot about myself and I add my best qualities, I try to take away my imperfections, as I learn to multiply what makes you happy so that our love will never divide.

~ fini

.:: d.b

Logic, Work

Silly Monkeys! Part 2: Its ‘Jart’ Bitch, the ‘fly designer’

March 11, 2008 d dot b Leave a comment

Silly Monkeys! Part 2: Its Jart Bitch, the ‘fly designer’
Virtues: respect, responsibility, ethics, ‘cant tell me nothing’ syndrome
Read Part 0, the Abstract & Part 1, Strong-Arm Mike the Banker

Jart is a graphic designer. He thinks that he is very trendy and hip. Jart has a funky style; his clothes are a bit different in the cut, design, and the colors. Jart’s musical tastes are very trendy as he stays away from ‘mainstream’ music; Jart’s not into the current hip-hop/rock, but more into classic/underground hip-hop, trance, house, and other rare music. Jart’s differences makes him unique; and Jart uses such differences to set him a part from others, because not only dp his differences in his personality deviate him from the norm, but his skills/abilities are also in a ‘class of their own’ – or so that is what Jart believes. You see, the combination of good skills/abilities with his unique distinction from the norm makes Jart a ‘gassed’ individual, Jart thinks he knows much more than you, Jart believes that he is superior to you – and most times, hey, Jart could be right (that’s sarcasm for you). You see, over the years Jart has been told how much his work is ‘hot’ and ‘nice’ and other accolades; thus Jart does not know how to handle adversity well; you see, Jart believes that any static with a client is not because Jart is doing something wrong, but because the client does not understand Jart’s greatness.

I knew a Jart, he was definitely a Jart; to the ‘T’, from the tight pants, neon pink shoes w/ matching hat, MacBook Pro, and backpack. This Jart was commissioned to design an interface for my company, he was going to be well compensated for his work (he was), but this Jart was a Bitch – couldn’t handle criticism, when we pointed out flaws in his work, he couldn’t accept that he did anything wrong, but blamed the problem on us. Jart ducked meetings, lied about things, didn’t write down our notes (even though we asked him too), and Jart avoided certain members of my group (including me) because we were too critical of his work. What killed me is that this Jart Bitch was being paid handsomely for work (Jart got paid consistently and on time), and yet he treated us like … well, you know (Check the title of this piece). One of my associated blasted Jart in an introspective essay, a blast so hard that I felt sorry for Jart, and Jart is a bitch; in the fact that he treated us with dis-respect, and took us for fools.

In retrospect, I’ve learned some things about Jart; his behavior, movements, and other nuances. Jart’s experience with us was not pleasant, but I don’t know if Jart realized the error in his ways in his tight-ass pants and pink attire, but I do know that Jart will think twice again before he treats people like silly monkeys.

Peace Jart, Bitch.

.:: d.b
Read more Silly Monkeys! sagas:
Part 0, the Abstract & Part 1, Strong-Arm Mike the Banker

Family, Love, Social

Black Like Me

February 2, 2008 d dot b 2 Comments

Black Like Me
Virtues: race, distinction, etiology

Black like me, like who? Whether your background is Caribbean, American, or African, if you are black you share traits – people look at you with common expectations. However, amongst black people, we like to distinguish ourselves from each other, even though we essentially come from the same place – Africa. My background is Caribbean, but now I reside in North America (Toronto to be specific), and I once talked to this African woman; I thought that it would be just as usual if I was talking to a Jamaican or Trini, but I soon realized that I felt that our cultures were so different; I almost thought that I was dating a white girl. I was learning about different foods, traditions, heritage, attitudes that I thought that I should know (because we share the same race), but I was grossly mistaken.

Historical Sense
In North America, you generally have two classes of black people: domesticated/westernized blacks & Africans. The former group comes from a diverse background; they have either migrated from the Caribbean islands and/or are the offspring of slavery. From the shores of Halifax Nova Scotia which was Canada’s first black population settlement, to the deep south of Mississippi, there is similarity of a shared struggle throughout history that exists even to this day; their heritage only spans from somewhere in the 1800’s – anytime before that, and the details of their heritage gets sketchy, fuzzy, like channel ‘01’. Similarly, the Caribbean people that have migrated to Canada & the U.S. for better prosperity share a similar heritage-like progression as they too have lost details about their history from around the 1800’s and even early 1900’s. This is significant to the domesticated/westernized blacks because they have a loss of culture; a loss of roots.

I know the enlightened person is like, ‘you shouldn’t group Caribbean’s with domesticated westernized blacks because their culture is different’, such a person would be right; but they share the same etiology – the etiology they share is different from African blacks.

Noticeable Differences
It is the etiology that essentially creates the distinction and divide that exists amongst blacks – so much so that both groups are prejudice to each other. And with all types of prejudice behavior – it is a result of a lack of knowledge and respect for others. Meaning, that the Westernized blacks may know about the history of Africa (i.e. slavery), but currently, the Westernized blacks do not know much about the current state of their brethren across the Atlantic. According to the media, Africa is still full of savages, AIDS, poverty, and tribes.

In my experiences, both groups have an inherent bias towards themselves. The domesticated/westernized blacks believe that they are better than the Africans because they have been in the West longer, understand the western culture & ideals better, and have better language skills. Whereas, the Africans believe that they are better than the domesticated/westernized blacks because they believe that they have more heritage, know their roots, and are more ‘black’ (pure) than their brethren. So basically, this correlates into a subdued (or at times overt) attitude that people develop of ‘frowning’ and/or ‘looking down’ on others. Which really shouldn’t be the case, because in the end, while we battle ‘looking down’ at each other, the ‘man’ is looking down at us – laughing, exploiting as usual.

Think about that!

.:: d.b

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Relationships

Violators

January 27, 2008 d dot b Leave a comment

Violators
Virtues: objectification, respect, ‘mack status’, inequality

First off, you must admit that the picture above is hot.

And to get in to this piece, I know you all have seen it before: you’re in the club with the music jumping, alcohol bubbling, and ladies bumping to the vibes. What I find interesting are the violators – those that take free liberty in gratifying themselves by molesting others. I never could muster the courage/efforts to run my hands all-over a woman while I dance with her. Even if I know her very well, or if we had a personal relationship in the past, I can’t ‘disrespect’ a woman like that in-front of others. So when I see this happening in the club, its kinda disgusting — even if the woman is fine.

So progressing, I experienced a strange event one day in class; I was chilling beside two of my female classmates that I was cool with. I was in the middle of the two, and I noticed that they were mouth-whispering to each other about something; probably about me – but I didn’t really care too much even though they had mischievous & devious looks. Then out of nowhere, I felt a soft hand quickly caress my man chest – I looked to the girl on my right as she giggled. And as my attention was preoccupied, the girl on my left carried out the same action as her accomplice. So I turned my attention to the opposite side & she also giggled too. Not like this was in an isolated room, at least 50 of us were in a lecture hall as this happened. I asked ‘what are you doing? She replied ‘just checking out the merchandise‘, I was taken aback. On the one side I felt like a mack as I had two moderately hot girls groping me, also, I felt like a piece of meat; a random object that these girls felt that they could just violate & objectify – that is a horrid thought, but on the flipside if I wanted to reciprocate the gesture it wouldn’t be acceptable – I would probably be charged &/or accused of something.

I guess that’s equality for you – different codes of conduct are ‘suitable’, depending on the environment.

So ladies, if you go to the local night club, expect to be violated.
And fellas, if ladies are violating you OUTSIDE of a club setting, hey, take solace in the fact that you ‘got it’ & the ladies can’t control their behavior in your presence … that’s what I did.

.:: d.b

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