All Reflection, Internal

Hindsight is always 20/20; the day when we can load that app that allows us to jump a few months to the future – to take a glance of what will happen, and then return back to the present with the future knowledge – then, and only then when life will truly be ‘simple’. But things that operate that way, life is successive ‘if’ statements – with each decision yielding a different result.

I work with a lot of people, in various capacities – helping to complete projects. Maybe due to my insecurity, low or no self-esteem, I was always a contributor that felt on some level that my affect was minimal. Meaning that my influence on a collaborative project or on team members was minimal. I know this sounds like faulty thinking, and it is, and it is even sadder that as someone that studied Psychology, I should know better. Slowly I am realizing that self-confidence is a real artform: or a good acting performance. Working as a TV Director and Producer, it amazes me at how on-air talent are sometimes very insecure and nervous, and I would suggest that most people think that hosts are the most talented. Lol, but I can’t tell you how many times I’d have to re-shoot takes and go over lines with hosts. I guess even the most seasoned still need a bit of salt for flavor (yes, I created that just now).

It wasn’t till a few weeks ago with a conversation with a past co-worker over Beer & Pizza; a bit more beer than pizza, I realized that one of the problems all along – with the failed projects & collaborative efforts that I have been a part of, that the problem may have been that I didn’t take a stronger leader or parcipitory role; as I know/knew, but should of realized a bit more, even in group settings, people are a bit more concerned about themselves than the overall group – I know that may sound a bit shocking in the highly narcissistic individualized culture of the West. And this dynamic, which isn’t necessarily bad, does not bode well for the super hypervigilant creative person; because one of the problems with creativity is that you keep on creating – and you create in any field; including systems & people. So when the team is not making decisions for the betterment of the group, then its time to pivot or explode the group’s dynamics & structures. Which I am proud to say, I am starting to do, while also realizing and/or ‘wearing the blame’ that a lot of the reasons to why failed projects may of not ‘popped off’ was because of me. Because I didn’t do more to steer the ship away from the iceberg in the Atlantic. I don’t think I gave ‘All of Me’, didn’t work harder, and didn’t do more. Consider this as somewhat as a ‘middle step’ in a ‘step program’ of ‘Mid-mid life crisis’ – as the stench of frustration, anxiety, anger, and regret are manifesting into a manifesto and new outlook.

So I guess here is for me ‘scratching my itch’ – or at least understanding why I’m itching.

Aside: the title of this post is from Joe Budden’s classic joint from ‘Mood Muzik 2’ or ‘Mood Muzik 1’ (I can’t remember now) called ‘All of Me’ – which was a very self-reflective track, one of the most honest pieces of music that I have ever heard.

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